You may notice a big lapse between blog posts here. One day I signed onto my blog, looked at the page and decided the background was too booky, my profile picture was too sleeveless and the whole thing was boring. So I went to the privacy settings place and changed the settings so that nobody could view my blog except me. I figured some day when the cows came home and the spirit moooved I'd work on the site, fix it up and then get back to bigger and better blogging.
Didn't happen.
What have I been doing since February 9th? Sulking would not be too strong a word. Not every-single- day-24/7 sulking, but an overall-if-you-add-it-all-up-and-divide-by-30 sulking. The sulking that comes from being a 47 year old mother, who is unsure of her purpose now that the kids are gone, the sulking that comes from living inside a body that is acting like some other woman you've never met in your life and the sulking that comes from staring at the green grass on the other side of your fence.
To solve my problems I read books. My nightstand is piled with self help material covering empty nesting, peri-menopause (gosh I hate that word!), how to be this, how to be that and how to make it all come together for my highest good. Words from pages are so jammed together in my head I can barely sleep at night.
And of course I have to keep up on all the latest Christian non-fiction- probably my favorite genre. More words. More ideas.
In his book, What's So Amazing About Grace, Philip Yancey writes: "to get away from the crush of ideas and people, I would take long walks in the pine forests splashed with dogwood.....I liked the sure, inevitable way of nature giving form and place to all living things."
Yesterday I got away from the crush of ideas and met I.T. at a Butterfly Garden that is open only this time of year. It was warm inside this large, indoor greenhouse where beautiful plants grow and a stream complete with waterfall flows. Butterflies flitted everywhere- swirls of vibrant color. It was calming and comfortable in there. Later we dined at Rosie's and sat by a warm fire at a table overlooking Reed's lake. And I thought about how patient I.T. is. He misses the kids, but not in the same way I do. And he doesn't have a woman he's never met living inside of his body (thank goodness!). But his love is steady and true. He's standing by me and trying his very best to understand- even though I have very little to give in return right now.
And I thought...
This is grace. Grace- comes free of charge to people who do not deserve it. Healing. Forgiveness. Goodness.
My husband has accepted the grace that God offers to him and in his understanding of that grace, with thanksgiving, he is extending that grace unto me.
And for that I am truly thankful.
9 comments:
I loved this post. I can totally relate to having another woman living in your body and also having a husband who works hard to understand and show compassion. Thank you for reminding me. You are a beautiful lady. :)
So glad to see you up and running again...I like IT he is a great guy and you deserve a great guy cause you're a great gal! Remember that when the mirror reflects a stranger...she is great too...kinda like those butterflies metemorphisizing! :D
I love the date in the butterfly garden. What a sweet husband you have.
I understand some of that stuff in a different way. I've wondered a lot if I was married what my husband would really have to put up with. Don't know that I would make a very good wife. I think there is more selfish than self-less inside this body. The grass only looks greener on the other side of the fence no matter where the fence is or which side you look over.
Hang in there my friend and keep working it out with God. He will bring you through this.
My you have a lot of books over here. :)
Love to you!
"lapse between blog posts..." you haven't beat mine yet! six months and counting. not that i'm proud of that. i never decided to stop blogging; i just didn't post and didn't post and... i used to say my blog was only "mostly dead," but i think it might be all the way dead by now. it is still up --both are still up-- and i still contemplate resurrecting one or the other... someday.
good post, as usual. you should not let your blog die like i did. :-)
See...you have an important niche! People can identify with your musings.
Sitting on M's front porch with S, just a stone's throw (OK, with a good arm like S maybe) from beachfront. It is warm. I am happy.
This post brought a tear to my eye. I can relate to it, on SO many levels. I do love a thought provoking post... that moves me! Thank you.
So glad you're back! Every time I came to visit I got a weird message that I wasn't your friend any more and therefore could not read your blog. LOL
I can totally understand what you're going through, having gone through it myself just a few short years ago. It's not easy letting go of the last kid right when the big M begins to manifest itself. [And personally I think Eve has a lot more to answer for than the whole childbirth-is-hard thing; IMHO perimenopause is MUCH worse because it just keeps going on and on and on...]
Some books I've read have helped, others not so much. Mostly it's been an ongoing internal fight of letting go of self and allowing God to do...
whatever it is He wants.
Some of which isn't what I would have picked.
Had I been asked.
Which I wasn't.
But in spite of me He is teaching me to trust in Him, depend on Him, rest in Him.
Poco a poco.
Praying for you.
I'm sending you a hug today...so often your words could be mine.
A Butterfly Garden? This time of year? I need that. Let's not even talk perimenopause. *sigh*
I sooooo get you!
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